cocaptainrodimus:
shut-up-blurr
replied to your post “talk to me about Rodimus and his CRIPPLING ANXIETY AND SELF-DOUBT”
He puts on this air of oozing self confidence and endless optimism because he doesn’t want anyone to know just how unsure of everything he is. He feels constant pressure to do something great, to be someone great, and doesn’t want to let anyone down.
YES THIS
and he works so hard to make sure he doesn’t let anyone down but then is criticized for his enthusiasm, criticized for his narcissism, and every time it happens he retreats a little bit until he isn’t really interacting with the crew outside of official duties and feels like he’s just some figurehead, nobody treats him as anything but a joke; criticizing his eagerness and lack of action alike. Reprimanding him for being too much of a show boat and for not interacting with the crew enough. Expected to be in charge when Optimus Prime drops his worst enemy in the same rank rather than as a prisoner, effectively undermining everything Rodimus is trying to do and reinforcing the notion that the Lost Light is some kind of cosmic joke, something the universe threw together for a laugh.
Rodimus just wanting to live up to the Prime he’s supposed to be someday and get past what he did at Nyon but having everyone constantly criticize him and never give him the space or authority to change and become the great leader he truly could be. Rodimus becoming more and more afraid that he is just a pretty frame put there for everyone to laugh at while he fumbles around playing at being Captain of a space ship. If he can’t even do that without Optimus stepping in, how is he ever supposed to become a Prime?
Rodimus slowly losing any confidence he actually had until he’s just putting up a good show, a hollow attempt at the confident, vain person he used to be when really he’s just trying to get through each day without the facade falling down and anyone seeing the mess he really is.
OH THE PAIN, BUT MORE OF THIS
Rodimus internally beating himself up for every decision he makes because there is always a better way to do things and he doesn’t ever seem to find it. Others are quick to point out what he could have done instead and he doesn’t seem at all phased, because he’s already berated himself for it, already thought of what he could have done, but didn’t. Already determined in what way he messed up and how bad that was. Already blamed himself.
Rodimus making himself into a laughing stock because its easier for him to cope with groans and eye-rolls than it is for him to deal with disappointment. Rodimus who feels a little part of him die each time he’s told he doesn’t meet expectations, or that he’s too immature, but still takes the blame for his crew members because he doesn’t want any of them to feel the way he does.
Rodimus keeping track of each and every crew member death. Thinking about how they were all his fault, how he managed to kill another one. Rodimus who thinks nothing he can do could ever wipe all the spilled energon from his past. Rodimus who’s terrified of finding his statue on Censere’s planet because he doesn’t have a flower or two, he’s got an entire yard contest winner sized garden.
Rodimus who every time something seems to go right, every time something makes him feel even the slightest bit more confident in his actions, just can’t help but think back to Nyon and all the people he killed and what they could have accomplished, who they could’ve been.
Rodimus who’s told he needs to act more maturely because he’s got so much responsibility, but seethes inside because he knows and there’s no way he can say just how much comes with said responsibility. Rodimus who honestly believes the matrix chose wrong when it chose him, but still feels like he has to act in a way that honors it, act in the way people expect a matrix-bearer to.
Megatron who comes to Rodimus, telling him how he’s not sure how Rodimus deals with it, the constant attention and expectation and criticism and how quickly fingers are pointed at the captain each and every time something goes wrong. Rodimus who laughs in response to this, but it’s a hollow, dead laughter. Rodimus who breaks down talking about it and apologizes becausee that’s his burden and it shouldn’t have been forced on someone else.